Bittersweet

It won't come to a huge surprise to those of you whom have read my posts, pleas, cries, bitches, rants, and raves. I did relapse after work yesterday. Sadly, I not only relapsed,smoking cessation, I bought a carton. I walked into my normal place and asked for a carton. The poor guy was happy to see me, but it was bittersweet, to say the least. I lit up that cigarette and it tasted so good at the moment. The guilt and shame that fell over me during, was beyond what words could expain.My son is at his dad's for the weekend, so I haven't had to face him yet and my biggest supporter, my boss, will be sadly disappointed in me on Tuesday when I go back to work.I even went to bed last night in tears thinking "I just messed up today, tomorrow is a new day." This morning I got up and told myself I wasn't going to smoke. I was going to look at yesterday as a mistake and try and regain myself today. I've been up for an hour and I just went outside and had a cigarette. How do I feel? Well, immediately yesterday I felt the gunk in my throat, I felt my voice starting to get crackly again, and not only did I smoke a few...I smoked more than I used to. I smoked 23 cigarettes between 4pm and 11pm last night. I lost control of myself, my confidence, my emotions, and my quit.I'm ashamed, guilty, remorseful to say the least. I am left feeling weak and hopeless. I feel like I need to start over again but then there's the other side of me that says "lose 10 pounds first, then try again, that way next time if I gain some weight, it won't be such a big deal." There's that weight factor/fear again.I want to know how many of you, whom have been so amazingly strong and have stuck to this, relapsed and started over. I want to know how you did it, how you felt,stop smoking, and anything in between.I'm sorry to those of you who stuck by my side and offered me your time, advice, and concern. I'm not saying good-bye, I just need some direction.KellyPS...Please ignore my quit counter, as it is not accurate anymore.